if you ask, that’s what I’ll say. it’s not your business anyway…
so i’m having some problems with my blog over at bookish.nu/gossamer… i messed something or other up, so i’m hosting my posts over here until i figure it out.
i’m pretty sick, and it’s admittedly a little scary… and very lonely… being by myself all weekend when i’m feeling like this, especially since my cell phone has been slain; a piece broke off when i dropped it, and initially the problem was that i could only get text messages and not calls. now all that happens when i try to turn it on is that the keypad lights up.
i’m also proving my point at the moment that i don’t generally post before 3… or even 4 am.
i wish very much that i knew how to articulate what’s going on in my head right now. i’ve had some really amazing and… worthwhile, if a bit painful… conversations with incredible people (two in particular, which isn’t to say that there aren’t other incredible people, i’ve just been given the opportunity to talk to these people more than others thus far) this week which have led me to realize a great deal about myself.
it was articulated to me (and it’s entirely possible that the person who said this is reading this, in which case, know that i appreciate tremendously the fact that you were bold enough to point this out, it makes you an amazing friend) that it seems like, at least from the things that bother me and the point that i’ve sort of stumbled to in the past couple of years, that i’ve spent a long time basically erecting the scaffolding around what’s only amounted to a foundation thus far.
i got scared at a point when i was younger that if people saw who i really was and the things that had molded me and brought me there, that i would frighten them away. consequently, i abandoned the construction of walls and started building an elaborate facade instead, based on what i thought would make me acceptable in the public eye. for example… people in south carolina are very religious? well, i’d darn well better go to church and “believe”! pretend i’m happy all the time and nothing’s ever bothering me… why did i leave lehigh? well, the eating disorder certainly has no mention in this. there’s about 2 people here who know my parents are getting divorced. the only other student i’m aware of knowing that religion makes me INCREDIBLY uncomfortable right now is not a southerner or a church goer.
i’m pretty good at giving off the impression that i’m whatever i ought to be without actually directly lying about anything, alas… i lie by omission CONSTANTLY, however. “what’s the matter?”… “oh, nothing, i’ve just got a lot of work and having been getting much sleep.” both of which are true. neither of which are really what’s bothering me.
this whole structure has built up so much that i really have no idea what’s inside anymore myself. i have vague ideas of the things i like and the ideals in which i believe. i have no idea what i want to do with my life that isn’t some delusion of grandeur. i have no idea what makes me happy. i get brief spurts of actual genuine bliss every once in a great while, usually directly connected to one of about 6 people, never involving school as it exists for me right now.
i’ve gotten a lot of stuff off my chest this week and cleared up some confusion/hurt that messed up a really incredible relationship for a long time, and there’s still a few people i need to do this with, but i’m scared. it’s one thing to vaguely allude to stuff that’s bothering me in posts like this, or to hit on some kind of common knowledge stuff that’s upsetting me in rants like the one i posted january 16, but it’s another thing altogether to approach someone with an explanation for your behavior 2 1/2 years after the fact, or to tell someone you are not in fact okay with what’s going on in your personal life.
i don’t like to talk face to face about the hard stuff. i’m really bad at it. i don’t like to hurt, i don’t like other people to see me crying. i don’t like being vulnerable to other people in “real time.” i’m supposed to be strong; that’s what society teaches us, isn’t it? no one likes the weaklings, the jaded ones, those who you can see dragging their invisible baggage around every day.
the only soldier now is me;
i’m fighting things i cannot see.
i think it’s called my destiny
that i am changing.
