i’m pretty sick, and it’s admittedly a little scary… and very lonely… being by myself all weekend when i’m feeling like this, especially since my cell phone has been slain; a piece broke off when i dropped it, and initially the problem was that i could only get text messages and not calls. now all that happens when i try to turn it on is that the keypad lights up.

i’m also proving my point at the moment that i don’t generally post before 3… or even 4 am.

i wish very much that i knew how to articulate what’s going on in my head right now. i’ve had some really amazing and… worthwhile, if a bit painful… conversations with incredible people (two in particular, which isn’t to say that there aren’t other incredible people, i’ve just been given the opportunity to talk to these people more than others thus far) this week which have led me to realize a great deal about myself.

it was articulated to me (and it’s entirely possible that the person who said this is reading this, in which case, know that i appreciate tremendously the fact that you were bold enough to point this out, it makes you an amazing friend) that it seems like, at least from the things that bother me and the point that i’ve sort of stumbled to in the past couple of years, that i’ve spent a long time basically erecting the scaffolding around what’s only amounted to a foundation thus far.

i got scared at a point when i was younger that if people saw who i really was and the things that had molded me and brought me there, that i would frighten them away. consequently, i abandoned the construction of walls and started building an elaborate facade instead, based on what i thought would make me acceptable in the public eye. for example… people in south carolina are very religious? well, i’d darn well better go to church and “believe”! pretend i’m happy all the time and nothing’s ever bothering me… why did i leave lehigh? well, the eating disorder certainly has no mention in this. there’s about 2 people here who know my parents are getting divorced. the only other student i’m aware of knowing that religion makes me INCREDIBLY uncomfortable right now is not a southerner or a church goer.

i’m pretty good at giving off the impression that i’m whatever i ought to be without actually directly lying about anything, alas… i lie by omission CONSTANTLY, however. “what’s the matter?”… “oh, nothing, i’ve just got a lot of work and having been getting much sleep.” both of which are true. neither of which are really what’s bothering me.

this whole structure has built up so much that i really have no idea what’s inside anymore myself. i have vague ideas of the things i like and the ideals in which i believe. i have no idea what i want to do with my life that isn’t some delusion of grandeur. i have no idea what makes me happy. i get brief spurts of actual genuine bliss every once in a great while, usually directly connected to one of about 6 people, never involving school as it exists for me right now.

i’ve gotten a lot of stuff off my chest this week and cleared up some confusion/hurt that messed up a really incredible relationship for a long time, and there’s still a few people i need to do this with, but i’m scared. it’s one thing to vaguely allude to stuff that’s bothering me in posts like this, or to hit on some kind of common knowledge stuff that’s upsetting me in rants like the one i posted january 16, but it’s another thing altogether to approach someone with an explanation for your behavior 2 1/2 years after the fact, or to tell someone you are not in fact okay with what’s going on in your personal life.

i don’t like to talk face to face about the hard stuff. i’m really bad at it. i don’t like to hurt, i don’t like other people to see me crying. i don’t like being vulnerable to other people in “real time.” i’m supposed to be strong; that’s what society teaches us, isn’t it? no one likes the weaklings, the jaded ones, those who you can see dragging their invisible baggage around every day.

the only soldier now is me;
i’m fighting things i cannot see.
i think it’s called my destiny
that i am changing.

am i wrong to say i envy you?
your perfect happy life?
those “unfortunate” things are just bumps in the road,
not, for you, some twisting knife.
i don’t remember what it’s like
to just sit around and be,
without dwelling on the painful stuff
that makes me hurt,
but makes me me.

sometimes i can’t just hold it in;
it’s terrifying when the only people
who can understand the pain and sin
of your “past” life
are hundreds of miles away.
and home’s not your home,
just the place that you live,
and more than all that,
you know you would give

the world for the person who sees things the same,
who knows who you are, that there’s no one to blame
but yourself for the things you can’t
just push away,
but who takes all the things and the tons that they weigh
and reminds you that each night ends in day
and the nightmares and heartbreak that get in your way…
all that, you can just cast away.

there’s a place for we who don’t know it exists;
it may take us longer getter there than
those with clear sights,
but we know, all alone, on those deep, bitter nights,
that some day the abyss will come to a close,
and we’ll be there, we’ll be home;
just when this may come… who knows?

i know… there’s no real rhyme scheme and no flow. it’s 5 o’clock in the morning, i’m tired, i’m sad, i don’t feel well. forgive me.

maybe i’m not up for being a victim of love.

a little bird told me that jumping is easy and falling is fun,
right up until you hit the sidewalk shivering and stunned.

the world owes me nothing, and we owe each other the world.

sometimes you don’t get to choose
what gets erased and what you hold onto.

remember when i was sweet and unexplainable?

i have earned my disillusionment.

god help you if you are an ugly girl;
course too pretty is also your doom,
’cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room.
god help you if you are a phoenix,
and you dare to rise up from the ash.
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying back.

courage built a bridge;
jealousy tore it down.

maybe some faith would do me good.

i have as much rage as you have;
i have as much pain as you do.
i’ve lived as much hell as you have,
and i’ve kept mine bubbling under for you.

i sabotage myself for fear of what my bigness could do.

we are hope despite the times.

i’m good at being uncomfortable,
so i can’t stop changing all the time.

i don’t want my words to fall short of what i’m trying to say.

you’ll never touch the things that i hold.

nobody ever said it was easy;
no one ever said it would be this hard.

the epitome of good health.

someone to hold you too close;
someone to hurt you too deep;
someone to sit in your chair,
to ruin your sleep.

someone to need you too much;
someone to know you too well;
someone to pull you up short,
to put you through hell.

someone you have to let in;
someone whose feelings you spare;
someone, who, like it or not,
will want you to share
a little, a lot
of being alive.

someone to crowd you with love;
someone to force you to care;
someone to make you come through;
who’ll always be there,
as frightened as you
of being alive,
being alive.

somebody, need me too much;
somebody, know me too well;
somebody, pull me up short
and put me through hell
and give me support
for being alive;
make me alive.

make me confused;
mock me with praise;
let me be used;
vary my days.
but alone is alone,
not alive.

somebody, crowd me with love;
somebody, force me to care;
somebody, make me come through;
i’ll always be there,
as frightened as you,
to help us survive
being alive.

i love you.