if you ask, that’s what I’ll say. it’s not your business anyway…
so i’m having some problems with my blog over at bookish.nu/gossamer… i messed something or other up, so i’m hosting my posts over here until i figure it out.
i’m pretty sick, and it’s admittedly a little scary… and very lonely… being by myself all weekend when i’m feeling like this, especially since my cell phone has been slain; a piece broke off when i dropped it, and initially the problem was that i could only get text messages and not calls. now all that happens when i try to turn it on is that the keypad lights up.
i’m also proving my point at the moment that i don’t generally post before 3… or even 4 am.
i wish very much that i knew how to articulate what’s going on in my head right now. i’ve had some really amazing and… worthwhile, if a bit painful… conversations with incredible people (two in particular, which isn’t to say that there aren’t other incredible people, i’ve just been given the opportunity to talk to these people more than others thus far) this week which have led me to realize a great deal about myself.
it was articulated to me (and it’s entirely possible that the person who said this is reading this, in which case, know that i appreciate tremendously the fact that you were bold enough to point this out, it makes you an amazing friend) that it seems like, at least from the things that bother me and the point that i’ve sort of stumbled to in the past couple of years, that i’ve spent a long time basically erecting the scaffolding around what’s only amounted to a foundation thus far.
i got scared at a point when i was younger that if people saw who i really was and the things that had molded me and brought me there, that i would frighten them away. consequently, i abandoned the construction of walls and started building an elaborate facade instead, based on what i thought would make me acceptable in the public eye. for example… people in south carolina are very religious? well, i’d darn well better go to church and “believe”! pretend i’m happy all the time and nothing’s ever bothering me… why did i leave lehigh? well, the eating disorder certainly has no mention in this. there’s about 2 people here who know my parents are getting divorced. the only other student i’m aware of knowing that religion makes me INCREDIBLY uncomfortable right now is not a southerner or a church goer.
i’m pretty good at giving off the impression that i’m whatever i ought to be without actually directly lying about anything, alas… i lie by omission CONSTANTLY, however. “what’s the matter?”… “oh, nothing, i’ve just got a lot of work and having been getting much sleep.” both of which are true. neither of which are really what’s bothering me.
this whole structure has built up so much that i really have no idea what’s inside anymore myself. i have vague ideas of the things i like and the ideals in which i believe. i have no idea what i want to do with my life that isn’t some delusion of grandeur. i have no idea what makes me happy. i get brief spurts of actual genuine bliss every once in a great while, usually directly connected to one of about 6 people, never involving school as it exists for me right now.
i’ve gotten a lot of stuff off my chest this week and cleared up some confusion/hurt that messed up a really incredible relationship for a long time, and there’s still a few people i need to do this with, but i’m scared. it’s one thing to vaguely allude to stuff that’s bothering me in posts like this, or to hit on some kind of common knowledge stuff that’s upsetting me in rants like the one i posted january 16, but it’s another thing altogether to approach someone with an explanation for your behavior 2 1/2 years after the fact, or to tell someone you are not in fact okay with what’s going on in your personal life.
i don’t like to talk face to face about the hard stuff. i’m really bad at it. i don’t like to hurt, i don’t like other people to see me crying. i don’t like being vulnerable to other people in “real time.” i’m supposed to be strong; that’s what society teaches us, isn’t it? no one likes the weaklings, the jaded ones, those who you can see dragging their invisible baggage around every day.
the only soldier now is me;
i’m fighting things i cannot see.
i think it’s called my destiny
that i am changing.
i find i’m consistently in the habit of blogging after 3 a.m.
there are times when i’m uncertain
if the things i mask, i’m right to hide
if i tell you, can you face me?
there’s some things you’ve never held inside.
and i feel like you’re so happy;
i’m missing that “cheerful” gene.
it’s hard to always force a smile;
the laughter rarely hits my eyes.
but you don’t ever see that, do you?
if you’re not jaded, you don’t know
what it is to be missing
the part of you that needs to show;
the part that’s confident you’ll make it,
the part that’s confident there’s some plan,
that part of you you know can take it
if you lose it all again.
am i wrong to say i envy you?
your perfect happy life?
those “unfortunate” things are just bumps in the road,
not, for you, some twisting knife.
i don’t remember what it’s like
to just sit around and be,
without dwelling on the painful stuff
that makes me hurt,
but makes me me.
sometimes i can’t just hold it in;
it’s terrifying when the only people
who can understand the pain and sin
of your “past” life
are hundreds of miles away.
and home’s not your home,
just the place that you live,
and more than all that,
you know you would give
the world for the person who sees things the same,
who knows who you are, that there’s no one to blame
but yourself for the things you can’t
just push away,
but who takes all the things and the tons that they weigh
and reminds you that each night ends in day
and the nightmares and heartbreak that get in your way…
all that, you can just cast away.
there’s a place for we who don’t know it exists;
it may take us longer getter there than
those with clear sights,
but we know, all alone, on those deep, bitter nights,
that some day the abyss will come to a close,
and we’ll be there, we’ll be home;
just when this may come… who knows?
i know… there’s no real rhyme scheme and no flow. it’s 5 o’clock in the morning, i’m tired, i’m sad, i don’t feel well. forgive me.
my sun sets to rise again
i wonder if everything i do,
i do instead of something i want to do more.
maybe i’m not up for being a victim of love.
a little bird told me that jumping is easy and falling is fun,
right up until you hit the sidewalk shivering and stunned.
the world owes me nothing, and we owe each other the world.
sometimes you don’t get to choose
what gets erased and what you hold onto.
remember when i was sweet and unexplainable?
i have earned my disillusionment.
god help you if you are an ugly girl;
course too pretty is also your doom,
’cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room.
god help you if you are a phoenix,
and you dare to rise up from the ash.
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying back.
courage built a bridge;
jealousy tore it down.
maybe some faith would do me good.
i have as much rage as you have;
i have as much pain as you do.
i’ve lived as much hell as you have,
and i’ve kept mine bubbling under for you.
i sabotage myself for fear of what my bigness could do.
we are hope despite the times.
i’m good at being uncomfortable,
so i can’t stop changing all the time.
i don’t want my words to fall short of what i’m trying to say.
you’ll never touch the things that i hold.
nobody ever said it was easy;
no one ever said it would be this hard.
You see what you look for, you know
i finally really understand this song. and it doesn’t need to have anything to do with romantic love. i have the most fantastic best friends ever in existence.
someone to hold you too close;
someone to hurt you too deep;
someone to sit in your chair,
to ruin your sleep.
someone to need you too much;
someone to know you too well;
someone to pull you up short,
to put you through hell.
someone you have to let in;
someone whose feelings you spare;
someone, who, like it or not,
will want you to share
a little, a lot
of being alive.
someone to crowd you with love;
someone to force you to care;
someone to make you come through;
who’ll always be there,
as frightened as you
of being alive,
being alive.
somebody, need me too much;
somebody, know me too well;
somebody, pull me up short
and put me through hell
and give me support
for being alive;
make me alive.
make me confused;
mock me with praise;
let me be used;
vary my days.
but alone is alone,
not alive.
somebody, crowd me with love;
somebody, force me to care;
somebody, make me come through;
i’ll always be there,
as frightened as you,
to help us survive
being alive.
i love you.
I get by with a little help from my friends
i have some of the most incredible friends in the entire world.
thank you.
i’ve never been the praying kind,
but lately i’ve been down upon my knees;
not looking for a miracle,
just a reason to believe.
I saw you leave a shadow there
i’m happy that you know where you’re going;
i wish i could say of myself that was true.
we both pursue something worth knowing,
but i may not end with the same thing as you.
i’m counting the days and counting the dollars,
wondering how much i’m willing to spend,
to make us believe that this is important;
there’s only so long that i can pretend.
do you find it odd that you are not as strong as you once thought?
tonight i walk through an empty street,
with my shadow stretching in front of me,
when my lonely thoughts meet my lonely feet
and the cold reminds me that i’ve chosen this life.
I’ll wait for you
the past couple of days have been pretty rough, but i’ll be back in clemson saturday night, and getting away has the potential to brighten the situation at least slightly. the up side to this week (since last thursday) has been seeing an awful lot of amazing people, most of them more than once or even twice, which was really nice. all that doesn’t involve those people wasn’t so hot.
my hair is gone. but i like it.
this picture is tremendously unflattering, but that’s alright.
man, it takes a silly girl
to lie about the dreams she has.
lord, it takes a lonely one
to wish that she had never dreamt at all.
i loved you more than you will ever know.
heaven’s not a place that you go when you die;
it’s that moment in life when you actually feel alive.
can someone show me the kind of affection
that you only see in the movies?
it’s just my luck to end up getting stuck to everything you are.
you’re all kinds of beautiful as you end my day.
i’ll never say i don’t have time when you need me with you.
if we fail to notice what they have tried to show us,
we’ll never learn to sing.
Love is the sky and I am for you
as freedom is a breakfastfood
or truth can live with right and wrong
or molehills are from mountains made
-long enough and just so long
will being pay the rent of seem
and genius please the talentgang
and water most encourage flame
as hatracks into peachtrees grow
or hopes dance best on bald men’s hair
and every finger is a toe
and any courage is a fear
-long enough and just so long
will the impure think all things pure
and hornets wail by children stung
or as the seeing are the blind
and robins never welcome spring
nor flatfolk prove their world is round
nor dingsters die at break of dong
and common’s rare and millstones float
-long enough and just so long
tomorrow will not be too late
worms are the words but joy’s the voice
down shall go which and up come who
breasts will be breasts and thighs will be thighs
deeds cannot dream what dreams can do
-time is a tree (this life one leaf)
but love is the sky and i am for you
just so long and long enough
We make our own gravity to give weight to things
all i need now is intellectual intercourse:
a soul to dig the hole much deeper.
we’ll love you just the way you are,
if you’re perfect.
i’m high but i’m grounded,
i’m sane but i’m overwhelmed,
i’m lost but i’m hopeful, baby.
i’m sad but i’m laughing,
i’m brave but i’m chicken shit,
i’m sick but i’m pretty, baby.
i recommend biting off more than you can chew to anyone.
your love is thick, and it swallowed me whole;
you’re so much braver than i gave you credit for.
life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
when you think everything’s okay and everything’s going right,
and life has a funny way of helping you out
when you think everything’s gone wrong and everything blows up in your face.
i don’t want to be adored for what i merely represent to you.
How much is too much?
a little bit of me is terrified every time i realize the people i see every day,
the people who think they know me well, who count me amongst their friends
and whom i count amongst mine…
many of them don’t have a blessed clue in the world;
sometimes they notice if my stress level seems a bit higher than usual
(although it has to be through the roof to be markedly higher than normal)
or if i’m not quite so active in the things in which i used to participate;
the assumption is that i must be working.
and of course, i am… there is a great deal of work to be done, especially now.
not all of it is school work, though. not all of it is the same kind of work
they are confronting on a day to day basis.
maybe some of them are and i just don’t know it, since they don’t seem to notice
that i am not always thrilled to exist even when my work is minimal.
sometimes i am thrilled to exist even when the load is dragging me to my
knees.
i’m not the person everyone thinks i am, and sometimes that’s all right;
some people have the impression that i’m someone i don’t know that i want to be,
and it strikes me as possible that they would no longer “love” me if they knew who i was,
and what i maybe sometimes often never think i want out of life.
simultaneously, there are people who know everything about me,
every nit-picky little detail… and maybe that’s too much.
i am a burden on myself, how can i not be a burden on them?
is it easier to simply share a little of yourself and guard the part
that hurts and frustrates both yourself and others?
is it fair to share or withhold that part from someone who claims
they really care about you?
how much baggage is too much?
