i find i’m consistently in the habit of blogging after 3 a.m.
there are times when i’m uncertain
if the things i mask, i’m right to hide
if i tell you, can you face me?
there’s some things you’ve never held inside.
and i feel like you’re so happy;
i’m missing that “cheerful” gene.
it’s hard to always force a smile;
the laughter rarely hits my eyes.
but you don’t ever see that, do you?
if you’re not jaded, you don’t know
what it is to be missing
the part of you that needs to show;
the part that’s confident you’ll make it,
the part that’s confident there’s some plan,
that part of you you know can take it
if you lose it all again.
am i wrong to say i envy you?
your perfect happy life?
those “unfortunate” things are just bumps in the road,
not, for you, some twisting knife.
i don’t remember what it’s like
to just sit around and be,
without dwelling on the painful stuff
that makes me hurt,
but makes me me.
sometimes i can’t just hold it in;
it’s terrifying when the only people
who can understand the pain and sin
of your “past” life
are hundreds of miles away.
and home’s not your home,
just the place that you live,
and more than all that,
you know you would give
the world for the person who sees things the same,
who knows who you are, that there’s no one to blame
but yourself for the things you can’t
just push away,
but who takes all the things and the tons that they weigh
and reminds you that each night ends in day
and the nightmares and heartbreak that get in your way…
all that, you can just cast away.
there’s a place for we who don’t know it exists;
it may take us longer getter there than
those with clear sights,
but we know, all alone, on those deep, bitter nights,
that some day the abyss will come to a close,
and we’ll be there, we’ll be home;
just when this may come… who knows?
i know… there’s no real rhyme scheme and no flow. it’s 5 o’clock in the morning, i’m tired, i’m sad, i don’t feel well. forgive me.
The most bipolar, straight-forward post I’ve ever written…
i’m not going to try and reign in my language tonight, because it’s not real… i’d rather be authentic at this point than avoid stepping on people’s toes (sorry, parents!).
sometimes life sucks.
sometimes you pick the wrong major and the wrong school (twice!) and people are stupid and relationships are stupid and you make dumb decisions and your parents get separated and then divorced and you get really depressed and you close yourself off and nobody understands why you have the most intense mood swings they’ve ever come in contact with and grandparents get sick and you get sick and you keep getting hurt, both mentally and physically, worse every time, and it sucks. a lot. so much.
but things change. you get hurt and you ball up and sooner or later someone figures out all kinds of crap is happening and you’re falling apart and need help and they reach out. it’s not always the person you expect, either. take the hand… things work out eventually.
because when things finally accumulate to the point that you more or less implode, crash and burn harder than you ever thought you would (because EVERY crash is harder than the last)… things become a lot clearer. it’s suddenly obvious the things that are completely wrong with your life that you can do something about yourself and the things that you can’t do a damn thing about and that you just need to learn to look at from different perspectives until you find the one that doesn’t make you want to run away screaming.
i don’t like school, but there’s no point in being miserable about it for the rest of the semester. i’ve got some amazing friends here, i’ll spend the time with them wisely, try to get as much as i can from my classes, try to figure myself out a little better before i thrust myself into yet another new situation.
i don’t like that my parents are getting divorced, but it’s really none of my business and i want them to be happy, whatever that means… even if they’re not happy now, hopefully this will lead in the right direction. i’m scared of being a statistic, i won’t lie… my grandparents are divorced… my dad’s brother divorced his first wife… now my parents are getting divorced… that would significantly up my odds of having a marriage not work out.
but who knows if i’ll get married anyway? maybe i’m okay with not… wouldn’t it rock my crazy catholic grandmother’s world (in a very negative way) if i had a lover? ha… a non-catholic lover?
nah… don’t take that as “she’s a manhater.” i’m not. i just don’t really know what i want. well… i mean… i really want to get my BA and Master’s studying russian/slavic history, culture and language, and then run off to some small town (or big city, who knows) in some slavic/eastern european country and write. joanne harris-style. whom i adore with all my heart and soul. all that’s not very conducive to being married, however.
i don’t like being expected to be a certain way, by anyone. i mean… generally speaking, most of my parents’ assumptions about me are right, but not all, and nor are all of anybody else’s. hey! surprise! i question god! i’m not super-christian! fca scares me! i don’t consider what other people will think of my hair before i do anything to it! i don’t really care! the way i feel about all-girls schools now is not the way i felt about them in high school! opinions change! i’m a college student!
yep… i’m crazy… i break easily, both mentally and physically. i put up fronts when i’m hurt and when i’m scared. i don’t like letting people in, especially people i’m afraid will judge me when they find out who i actually am and what i actually think about things. i’m a perfectionist- it doesn’t make a bloody difference to me whether or not my parents care about my grades, i do. i also don’t work nearly as hard for them as i should, regardless of the fact that i often say i’m doing homework, i just lucked into smart genes. sometimes i feel antisocial. has nothing to do with you or how i feel about you, i just don’t want to do anything. with anybody. i hurt myself more than anyone else does. i rip myself to shreds constantly. but don’t let that statement fool you. sometimes i know i’m an amazing person. sometimes i know i’m beautiful. but sometimes i hate myself and who i am and the way people perceive me. i don’t like it when people try to understand ALL of me. it’s not possible. understand what’s natural for you to understand… and just listen to the rest, if you really care. i’m bizarre and messed up, i’m aware of that.
so i’ve probably scared everyone away now.
Each broken heart will eventually mend
i know it’s really annoying that i keep posting just lyrics instead of actually writing… but i don’t feel very well and they really capture most of what i’m thinking/feeling at the moment.
this is how it works: you’re young until you’re not;
you love until you don’t; you try until you can’t;
you laugh until you cry; you cry until you laugh;
and everyone must breathe until their dying breath.
no, this is how it works:you peer inside yourself,
you take the things you like and try to love the things you took,
and then you take that love you made and stick it into
someone else’s heart, pumping someone else’s blood
and walking arm in arm.
you hope it don’t get harmed, but even if it does,
you’ll just do it all again.
what if one of these days your heart will just stop ticking
and they sort of just don’t find you till your cubicle is reeking?
some days aren’t yours at all.
they come and go as if they’re someone else’s days.
they come and leave you behind someone else’s face,
and it’s harsher than yours, and it’s colder than yours.
the new coats of paint will not reacquaint broken hearts to broken homes.
My life may not be something special, but it’s never been lived before
the fact that i adore you is but one of my truths.
I’m no less confused now than I was last night, but now I feel like babbling, and since this is my space, I can.
There’s a quote from Garden State (I know, I quote things entirely too often, but there is a beauty to other people’s words sometimes that I can never capture) that articulates exactly the way I’m feeling about Pennsylvania at the moment…
“You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn’t really your home anymore? All of a sudden, even though you have some place where you put your shit, the idea of home is gone… just sorta happens one day and it’s gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It’s like you feel homesick for a place that doesn’t even exist. Maybe it’s like this right of passage, you know? You won’t ever have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself. You know… for your kids. For the family you start. It’s like a cycle or something. I don’t know. But I miss the idea of it, you know? Maybe that’s all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.“
My mom was right the other day when she said I’d rather be in Clemson than here. This has kind of become the place I visit my family and not so much my home. It’s not as though I really have an established home anywhere else… I’ve lived in no less than five different places in the last year. But home is with the life I’ve created independent of my house.
It’s a little weird when life shifts from directly involving your family to your family kind of being witnesses on the outside. While it’s a little sad, it’s a fact of life. It happens earlier for some people than others… it started happening for me a while ago.
I wish I knew what I wanted anymore. I mean… I have my whole life to find where I’m happy. But there’s certain decisions I need to be making in the next year or so that scare me a bit. I don’t know whether to settle for the “dreams” that are easily achievable (for me, not necessarily for those who haven’t been given the privileges that I have) or to shoot for the things I’ve always wanted but won’t necessarily ever get.
The only conclusion I’ve really come to through all this is that I’m a lot happier worrying only about what’s happening now than the future. I guess I was always too focused on the bigger picture to enjoy the details; the problem is just balancing the two. I don’t know whether to cease the “no day but today” philosophy and be and do what makes me happy now, or just buckle down and plan for what will make me safe/happy in the future. The question is whether safe=happy, or I’ll just be satisfied with safe and try to ignore the fact that it’s not making me happy?
Boys are stupid. Families are stupid. Traditions are stupid. Dreams are stupid. Fears are stupid. Worrying is stupid. Stress is stupid. Depression is stupid. Caffeine is stupid.
i wonder if everything i do, i do instead of something i want to do more.
When I look up, I just trip over things
A small sample of my day’s work…
I’m remarkably confused about some stuff right now, not all related… and the only way I know how to articulate certain things is through lyrics and quotes, as some people unfortunately have experienced quite a lot of late.
i gotta knuckle down and just be okay with this.
what good is a poker face when you’ve got an open hand?
i was supposed to be cool about this;
yea, i remember cool was the plan.
i don’t want to dissect everything today;
i don’t mean to pick you apart, you see,
but i can’t help it.
i recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone.
maybe the most we can do is just see each other through it.
there’s an obvious attraction to the path of least resistance in your life.
how ’bout me enjoying the moment for once?
this is not who i meant to be; this is not how i meant to feel.
the moment i let go of it was the moment i got more than i could handle.
if you’re not trying to make something better, than as far as i can tell, you are just in the way.
that i would be loved even when i numb myself;
that i would be good even when i am overwhelmed;
that i would be loved even when i was fuming;
that i would be good even if i was clingy.
one breath at a time is an acceptable plan.
i love you when you dance.
you give me a look that’s like laughing with liquid in your mouth;
like you’re choosing between choking and spitting it all out.
you were mind-boggling, you were intense;
you were uncomfortable in your own skin.
you were thirsty. but mostly, you were beautiful.
my heart is just a muscle, and simply put, it’s sore.
any talk of healthiness and any talk of connectedness
and any talk of resolving this leaves you running for the door.
i hereby amend everything i’ve ever said with this sigh.
oh these little rejections, how they add up quickly;
one small sideways look and i feel so ungood.
who am i that i should be vying for your touch?
though i know who i’m not, i still don’t know who i am.
capitalism is the devil’s wet dream.
you can express your deepest of truths even if it means i’ll lose you,
and i’ll hear it.
is all or nothing the best we can do?
I find it kind of funny
This week was completely exhausting and entirely too confusing, but it at least ended on a good (albeit also confusing) note.
I said to Justin last night that I’m rarely ever where I want to be. Here, I want to go home. Home, I want to be here. Hendrix, I’d rather be in the library, and vice versa.
That’s a dumb way to live my life and I’m going to try to change it. I realize I’m not going to see many people over break because they’re all busy, their families want to see them, blah blah blah. But rather than hiding out it my room during holidays, as I have a tendency to do, because too many people in one place (especially houses, where you feel like you can’t escape anywhere) overwhelm me very easily.
I guess the point is that it really is better to live life in the moment, at least with regards to some things, because if you’re always thinking “How long until I can be somewhere else?”, you never enjoy anything. When I’m like that, often (not always), if I really think about it, I’m content to be where I am. I might be happier somewhere else, but I’m not somewhere else, and there’s not really anything I can do about it, so I might as well try to be happy here.
On a side note, there are some people who are really disappointing me (not here, and not who are likely to be reading this, so if you are… chances are I’m not referring to you, and don’t get offended). They’ve changed a lot in the last year and a half. I’m not really a big fan of the direction they’re going in.
There are also a number of people who’ve really impressed me in the past week, and honestly, if you’re reading this, it’s likely you’re one of them. I love you all.
I love you, especially those of you who actually care enough to read this.
