if you ask, that’s what I’ll say. it’s not your business anyway…
so i’m having some problems with my blog over at bookish.nu/gossamer… i messed something or other up, so i’m hosting my posts over here until i figure it out.
i’m pretty sick, and it’s admittedly a little scary… and very lonely… being by myself all weekend when i’m feeling like this, especially since my cell phone has been slain; a piece broke off when i dropped it, and initially the problem was that i could only get text messages and not calls. now all that happens when i try to turn it on is that the keypad lights up.
i’m also proving my point at the moment that i don’t generally post before 3… or even 4 am.
i wish very much that i knew how to articulate what’s going on in my head right now. i’ve had some really amazing and… worthwhile, if a bit painful… conversations with incredible people (two in particular, which isn’t to say that there aren’t other incredible people, i’ve just been given the opportunity to talk to these people more than others thus far) this week which have led me to realize a great deal about myself.
it was articulated to me (and it’s entirely possible that the person who said this is reading this, in which case, know that i appreciate tremendously the fact that you were bold enough to point this out, it makes you an amazing friend) that it seems like, at least from the things that bother me and the point that i’ve sort of stumbled to in the past couple of years, that i’ve spent a long time basically erecting the scaffolding around what’s only amounted to a foundation thus far.
i got scared at a point when i was younger that if people saw who i really was and the things that had molded me and brought me there, that i would frighten them away. consequently, i abandoned the construction of walls and started building an elaborate facade instead, based on what i thought would make me acceptable in the public eye. for example… people in south carolina are very religious? well, i’d darn well better go to church and “believe”! pretend i’m happy all the time and nothing’s ever bothering me… why did i leave lehigh? well, the eating disorder certainly has no mention in this. there’s about 2 people here who know my parents are getting divorced. the only other student i’m aware of knowing that religion makes me INCREDIBLY uncomfortable right now is not a southerner or a church goer.
i’m pretty good at giving off the impression that i’m whatever i ought to be without actually directly lying about anything, alas… i lie by omission CONSTANTLY, however. “what’s the matter?”… “oh, nothing, i’ve just got a lot of work and having been getting much sleep.” both of which are true. neither of which are really what’s bothering me.
this whole structure has built up so much that i really have no idea what’s inside anymore myself. i have vague ideas of the things i like and the ideals in which i believe. i have no idea what i want to do with my life that isn’t some delusion of grandeur. i have no idea what makes me happy. i get brief spurts of actual genuine bliss every once in a great while, usually directly connected to one of about 6 people, never involving school as it exists for me right now.
i’ve gotten a lot of stuff off my chest this week and cleared up some confusion/hurt that messed up a really incredible relationship for a long time, and there’s still a few people i need to do this with, but i’m scared. it’s one thing to vaguely allude to stuff that’s bothering me in posts like this, or to hit on some kind of common knowledge stuff that’s upsetting me in rants like the one i posted january 16, but it’s another thing altogether to approach someone with an explanation for your behavior 2 1/2 years after the fact, or to tell someone you are not in fact okay with what’s going on in your personal life.
i don’t like to talk face to face about the hard stuff. i’m really bad at it. i don’t like to hurt, i don’t like other people to see me crying. i don’t like being vulnerable to other people in “real time.” i’m supposed to be strong; that’s what society teaches us, isn’t it? no one likes the weaklings, the jaded ones, those who you can see dragging their invisible baggage around every day.
the only soldier now is me;
i’m fighting things i cannot see.
i think it’s called my destiny
that i am changing.
my sun sets to rise again
i wonder if everything i do,
i do instead of something i want to do more.
maybe i’m not up for being a victim of love.
a little bird told me that jumping is easy and falling is fun,
right up until you hit the sidewalk shivering and stunned.
the world owes me nothing, and we owe each other the world.
sometimes you don’t get to choose
what gets erased and what you hold onto.
remember when i was sweet and unexplainable?
i have earned my disillusionment.
god help you if you are an ugly girl;
course too pretty is also your doom,
’cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room.
god help you if you are a phoenix,
and you dare to rise up from the ash.
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying back.
courage built a bridge;
jealousy tore it down.
maybe some faith would do me good.
i have as much rage as you have;
i have as much pain as you do.
i’ve lived as much hell as you have,
and i’ve kept mine bubbling under for you.
i sabotage myself for fear of what my bigness could do.
we are hope despite the times.
i’m good at being uncomfortable,
so i can’t stop changing all the time.
i don’t want my words to fall short of what i’m trying to say.
you’ll never touch the things that i hold.
nobody ever said it was easy;
no one ever said it would be this hard.
You see what you look for, you know
i finally really understand this song. and it doesn’t need to have anything to do with romantic love. i have the most fantastic best friends ever in existence.
someone to hold you too close;
someone to hurt you too deep;
someone to sit in your chair,
to ruin your sleep.
someone to need you too much;
someone to know you too well;
someone to pull you up short,
to put you through hell.
someone you have to let in;
someone whose feelings you spare;
someone, who, like it or not,
will want you to share
a little, a lot
of being alive.
someone to crowd you with love;
someone to force you to care;
someone to make you come through;
who’ll always be there,
as frightened as you
of being alive,
being alive.
somebody, need me too much;
somebody, know me too well;
somebody, pull me up short
and put me through hell
and give me support
for being alive;
make me alive.
make me confused;
mock me with praise;
let me be used;
vary my days.
but alone is alone,
not alive.
somebody, crowd me with love;
somebody, force me to care;
somebody, make me come through;
i’ll always be there,
as frightened as you,
to help us survive
being alive.
i love you.
Each broken heart will eventually mend
i know it’s really annoying that i keep posting just lyrics instead of actually writing… but i don’t feel very well and they really capture most of what i’m thinking/feeling at the moment.
this is how it works: you’re young until you’re not;
you love until you don’t; you try until you can’t;
you laugh until you cry; you cry until you laugh;
and everyone must breathe until their dying breath.
no, this is how it works:you peer inside yourself,
you take the things you like and try to love the things you took,
and then you take that love you made and stick it into
someone else’s heart, pumping someone else’s blood
and walking arm in arm.
you hope it don’t get harmed, but even if it does,
you’ll just do it all again.
what if one of these days your heart will just stop ticking
and they sort of just don’t find you till your cubicle is reeking?
some days aren’t yours at all.
they come and go as if they’re someone else’s days.
they come and leave you behind someone else’s face,
and it’s harsher than yours, and it’s colder than yours.
the new coats of paint will not reacquaint broken hearts to broken homes.
I am looking for the holes
i make such a good statistic.
i’ve got everything i want, and still i want more.
we get a little further from perfection each year on the road.
sometimes it seems like love is just a fancy word for compromise.
they say the truth will set you free,
but then, so will a lie.
it depends if you’re trying to get to a promised land,
or you’re just trying to get by.
i finally drove out to where the sky is dark enough to see stars,
and i found i missed no one just listening to the swishing
of distant cars.
what kind of scale compares the weight of two beauties,
the gravity of duties, or the ground speed of joy?
tell me, what kind of gauge can quantify elation?
what kind of equation could i possibly employ?
the melancholy that i carry makes me feel so grown up.
the trouble with water is, she’ll always leave you for gravity.
i don’t know what it is about me,
that i just can’t keep still.
every time i see you, it just forces me to look at myself.
You think I’m not worthy
the windows of my soul are made of one way glass;
don’t bother looking in my eyes.
if there’s something you want to know, just ask.
i got a dead-bolt stroll, where i’m going is clear.
i won’t wait for you to wonder, i’ll just tell you why i’m here.
’cause i know the biggest crime
is just to throw up your hands,
say “this has nothing to do with me,
i just want to live as comfortably as i can.”
you got to look outside your eyes.
you got to think outside your brain.
you got to walk outside your life,
to where the neighborhood changes.
…
i was a long time coming, i’ll be a long time gone.
you’ve got your whole life to do something, and that’s not very long.
so why don’t you give me a call when you’re willing to fight
for what you think is real,
for what you think is right?
i’m 99% certain i’m transferring again after this semester. i know. but i want to be somewhere i can actually study the things in which i’m interested. and somewhere with seasons (aka not the south). also, somewhere that gives me money would be nice.
I saw you leave a shadow there
i’m happy that you know where you’re going;
i wish i could say of myself that was true.
we both pursue something worth knowing,
but i may not end with the same thing as you.
i’m counting the days and counting the dollars,
wondering how much i’m willing to spend,
to make us believe that this is important;
there’s only so long that i can pretend.
do you find it odd that you are not as strong as you once thought?
tonight i walk through an empty street,
with my shadow stretching in front of me,
when my lonely thoughts meet my lonely feet
and the cold reminds me that i’ve chosen this life.
I’ll wait for you
the past couple of days have been pretty rough, but i’ll be back in clemson saturday night, and getting away has the potential to brighten the situation at least slightly. the up side to this week (since last thursday) has been seeing an awful lot of amazing people, most of them more than once or even twice, which was really nice. all that doesn’t involve those people wasn’t so hot.
my hair is gone. but i like it.
this picture is tremendously unflattering, but that’s alright.
man, it takes a silly girl
to lie about the dreams she has.
lord, it takes a lonely one
to wish that she had never dreamt at all.
i loved you more than you will ever know.
heaven’s not a place that you go when you die;
it’s that moment in life when you actually feel alive.
can someone show me the kind of affection
that you only see in the movies?
it’s just my luck to end up getting stuck to everything you are.
you’re all kinds of beautiful as you end my day.
i’ll never say i don’t have time when you need me with you.
if we fail to notice what they have tried to show us,
we’ll never learn to sing.
And by ruminating, I mean thinking, not chewing cud
somebody do something, anything soon.
i know i can’t be the only
whatever-i-am in the room.
so why am i so lonely?
why am i so tired?
i need backup, i need company;
i need to be inspired.
what happens when all your dreams are lying on the ground?
do you pick up the pieces all around?
i’ve got a heavy heart to carry,
but a very strong will.
it’s just hard to travel
in the shadow
of regret;
in fact, it’s so hard
that i haven’t actually left yet.
pain is part of learning who you are.
And this is me being ridiculously lame and quoting Pushing Daisies… partially because I have my first celebrity crush in years (Lee Pace) and partially because that show rocks my world.
wouldn’t it just rock and roll if liking someone meant they had to like you back? of course that’d be a different universe and something else would probably suck.
the truth ain’t like puppies; a bunch of them running around, you pick your favorite.
i think it’s brave to try to be happy.
everyone wants stuff. we wake up everyday with a list of wishes a mile long and maybe we spend our lives trying to make those wishes come true, but just because we want them doesn’t mean we need them to be happy.
everything we do is a choice: oatmeal or cereal, highway or side street, kiss her or keep her. we make choices and we live with the consequences. if someone gets hurt along the way we ask for forgiveness. it’s the best anyone can do.
i just thought my world would be a better place if you were in it.
you haven’t been hugged properly. it’s like an emotional heimlich. someone puts their arms around you and they give you a squeeze and all your fear and anxiety come shooting out of your mouth in a big wet wad and you can breath again.
Won’t you be my Yoko Ono?
i apologize for the hiatus, i wasn’t able to log in for about two weeks.
the semester’s over, i’ve got one grade left i don’t know, and as it stands at the moment i have a 4.0.
freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.
living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see.
if we were blind and had no choice, would we hate each other by the tone of our voice?
so often in time it happens we all live our life in chains
and we never even know we have the key.
color my world with hope of loving you.
how does it feel to be one of the beautiful people?
when you’ve seen beyond yourself, then you may find peace of mind is waiting there.
if there’s a way you could be everything you want to be,
would you complain it came too easy?
all the lies and deception won’t change the perception that i fell flat on my ass.
i’ve busted my right arm, so it’s rather difficult to type.
