The most bipolar, straight-forward post I’ve ever written…
i’m not going to try and reign in my language tonight, because it’s not real… i’d rather be authentic at this point than avoid stepping on people’s toes (sorry, parents!).
sometimes life sucks.
sometimes you pick the wrong major and the wrong school (twice!) and people are stupid and relationships are stupid and you make dumb decisions and your parents get separated and then divorced and you get really depressed and you close yourself off and nobody understands why you have the most intense mood swings they’ve ever come in contact with and grandparents get sick and you get sick and you keep getting hurt, both mentally and physically, worse every time, and it sucks. a lot. so much.
but things change. you get hurt and you ball up and sooner or later someone figures out all kinds of crap is happening and you’re falling apart and need help and they reach out. it’s not always the person you expect, either. take the hand… things work out eventually.
because when things finally accumulate to the point that you more or less implode, crash and burn harder than you ever thought you would (because EVERY crash is harder than the last)… things become a lot clearer. it’s suddenly obvious the things that are completely wrong with your life that you can do something about yourself and the things that you can’t do a damn thing about and that you just need to learn to look at from different perspectives until you find the one that doesn’t make you want to run away screaming.
i don’t like school, but there’s no point in being miserable about it for the rest of the semester. i’ve got some amazing friends here, i’ll spend the time with them wisely, try to get as much as i can from my classes, try to figure myself out a little better before i thrust myself into yet another new situation.
i don’t like that my parents are getting divorced, but it’s really none of my business and i want them to be happy, whatever that means… even if they’re not happy now, hopefully this will lead in the right direction. i’m scared of being a statistic, i won’t lie… my grandparents are divorced… my dad’s brother divorced his first wife… now my parents are getting divorced… that would significantly up my odds of having a marriage not work out.
but who knows if i’ll get married anyway? maybe i’m okay with not… wouldn’t it rock my crazy catholic grandmother’s world (in a very negative way) if i had a lover? ha… a non-catholic lover?
nah… don’t take that as “she’s a manhater.” i’m not. i just don’t really know what i want. well… i mean… i really want to get my BA and Master’s studying russian/slavic history, culture and language, and then run off to some small town (or big city, who knows) in some slavic/eastern european country and write. joanne harris-style. whom i adore with all my heart and soul. all that’s not very conducive to being married, however.
i don’t like being expected to be a certain way, by anyone. i mean… generally speaking, most of my parents’ assumptions about me are right, but not all, and nor are all of anybody else’s. hey! surprise! i question god! i’m not super-christian! fca scares me! i don’t consider what other people will think of my hair before i do anything to it! i don’t really care! the way i feel about all-girls schools now is not the way i felt about them in high school! opinions change! i’m a college student!
yep… i’m crazy… i break easily, both mentally and physically. i put up fronts when i’m hurt and when i’m scared. i don’t like letting people in, especially people i’m afraid will judge me when they find out who i actually am and what i actually think about things. i’m a perfectionist- it doesn’t make a bloody difference to me whether or not my parents care about my grades, i do. i also don’t work nearly as hard for them as i should, regardless of the fact that i often say i’m doing homework, i just lucked into smart genes. sometimes i feel antisocial. has nothing to do with you or how i feel about you, i just don’t want to do anything. with anybody. i hurt myself more than anyone else does. i rip myself to shreds constantly. but don’t let that statement fool you. sometimes i know i’m an amazing person. sometimes i know i’m beautiful. but sometimes i hate myself and who i am and the way people perceive me. i don’t like it when people try to understand ALL of me. it’s not possible. understand what’s natural for you to understand… and just listen to the rest, if you really care. i’m bizarre and messed up, i’m aware of that.
so i’ve probably scared everyone away now.
Take time to realize
for some reason the last two posts i’ve written haven’t actually gone up.
i’ve been thinking about some pretty odd stuff lately, partly in connection to a plot line i’m attempting to cook up and partly in relation to my struggle with all things related to God.
at any rate… i feel like pretty much all real philosophy and attempts at developing oneself in terms of mind and soul sort of went out the window with the start of the industrial revolution. suddenly we’re all too focused on the rat race, “improving” ourselves in ways that will help us win.
college has become about getting ahead in the world, about giving kids a leg up when they’re applying for jobs in big businesses, law firms, etcetera. how many people do you know who go to school now without at least a notion of what they’re going to do with their degree or where it’s going to get them?
i realize now that for a long time, i was one of those kids; i thought i needed to know what i wanted to do after graduating, and that i needed to do it immediately after graduating (either 4 year or grad school), and that all my other goals in life should be put off until i was well established in whatever career i believed whole-heartedly that i wanted to pursue, because everyone has to want to pursue a set career path, right? and everyone goes to college for a degree that will help them with that career, right?
nope.
i told people for a while (including most of last semester) that i wanted to continue after college with grad school, get my master’s and finally my phD, and teach at the college level. after all, it’s assumed that you’re planning on doing something with your degree. your college advisor starts asking you freshman year what your ultimate goals with your major are.
i don’t want to teach. maybe someday in the far distant future. but not now.
i do want to go to grad school, because that’s my kind of learning. study what i want to study, in depth. i really do love school, when i get to learn about things in which i’m interested.
but i want to graduate college and go to grad school purely for the purpose of learning. i don’t know that there’s really something i want to do immediately after school that will put my degree to what most people feel is legitimate use. i’m not going to school for the sake of furthering my career.
after i finish grad school i want to apply to be a nanny or find some job in a cafe or a shop of some sort or as a housekeeper or something in central europe. and write. historical fiction. drawing from my background in eastern and central european history, which is what i intend to study after i transfer, and in grad school.
i don’t need loads of money to be happy, i just need to be able to support myself and to be able to do something i love in a place that allows me to be surrounded by it.
You think I’m not worthy
the windows of my soul are made of one way glass;
don’t bother looking in my eyes.
if there’s something you want to know, just ask.
i got a dead-bolt stroll, where i’m going is clear.
i won’t wait for you to wonder, i’ll just tell you why i’m here.
’cause i know the biggest crime
is just to throw up your hands,
say “this has nothing to do with me,
i just want to live as comfortably as i can.”
you got to look outside your eyes.
you got to think outside your brain.
you got to walk outside your life,
to where the neighborhood changes.
…
i was a long time coming, i’ll be a long time gone.
you’ve got your whole life to do something, and that’s not very long.
so why don’t you give me a call when you’re willing to fight
for what you think is real,
for what you think is right?
i’m 99% certain i’m transferring again after this semester. i know. but i want to be somewhere i can actually study the things in which i’m interested. and somewhere with seasons (aka not the south). also, somewhere that gives me money would be nice.
